Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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