I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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