The maid of honor just puked.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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