I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
