One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
3pm strippers are depressing
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
50% drunk capacity currently
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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