I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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