The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
