If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
