physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just sucked dick on a ferry
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
