You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Text me some of your sweat
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
