I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
