I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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