It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
