You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
