i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
