i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
