I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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