You're my little dorito
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Why are your pants in the freezer?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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