At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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