Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
