She just used a chaser for red wine.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
