The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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