i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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