I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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