dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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