a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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