hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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