My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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