this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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