so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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