I feel like I'm in dance class right now
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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