Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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