i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
