it's like her boobs came off with her bra
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
