Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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