if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
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