so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
