His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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