You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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