I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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