when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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