i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
