I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
