I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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