I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Randomize
