Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
