You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
