Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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