super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
