Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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