So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
