Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
