Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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