I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
