Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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