I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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