He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
