The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
