mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
