I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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