I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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