i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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