Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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