Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize