Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
