i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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