ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
