birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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