I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize