I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
